I have recently found myself in the midst of something that I previously thought to not have existed, or, at least, existed in the way of the songs and movies. But I couldn't have been more wrong. I find myself in love. So much so, in fact, that I can hardly think of anything else. And the most amazing part is that I think I am going to get married.
Me? Married?!? Just four months ago, I hated boys, and prided myself on my ability to NOT get a date. For about four months, I didn't go on a date, and I was happy to be rid of that scene. I was looking forward to the next year or so- date-free. I didn't want to have my heart trampled on one more time. I was done. These "best years of our lives" were absolutely wonderful for me, except when it came to dating. My friends know that I am always good for a bad-date story. As another one of my friends got engaged every week, though, I was resigned to the fact that I wasn't getting married any time soon, and I was ok with that.
Despite my indifference, I was lonely. Horribly lonely. I would cry all the time- four times a week- for no apparent reason. No one really knew it, though. I put on a good show, but I was a little depressed underneath it all. In my heart, I knew that there must be someone out there who wasn't a player or a jerk, but I certainly couldn't find them. No one could have just made up all those stories of love and marriage and happiness. What about all of my friends who were so happy? And my neighbors who are still in love after forty years of marriage? I looked around me, and I knew it must be real. Maybe it just wasn't meant for me.
So I went on my way, serving and living life as somewhat normal. Nauvoo Pageant was coming up. I had no idea what was in store for me. My sister said that maybe this is the blessing for all of my trials in my life, always being sick and serving in the Church the last three years. In all honesty, I kept waiting for something bad enough to happen to scare him away. But through all of my ups and downs, he was there. I kept waiting for him to get scared away, but he didn't. I kept trying to hold my heart, but I found that I was giving it to him. He proved himself daily, and still does.
So now I am completely in love with someone who is completely perfect for me. I feel amazingly all the time, happy as can be. Is this what it feels like? To be ready for marriage? To be in love and have that person love you back? To know that the Lord is OK with your decision? To be ready to take on marriage and all it entails? I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, but I guess this is it! I have someone who is perfect for me in every way, and I now can fathom why someone would want to get married. I can't imagine living my life without him now. He is everything to me. He sees me for me. We laugh at each other all the time. I would be the happiest person alive if I could feel this way forever. This IS it!!
Monday, September 3, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
My life!?!
So yesterday morning I woke up about 8:30 to another cute text from this amazing guy I'm not supposed to like yet. Complicated. Not really. In the situation, it's perfect. However, I fall quickly back to sleep because I was up texting said person for a long time last night.
10:00 rolls around and there is someone at the door. I'm vaguely hearing this because I'm so tired! Well, my dad gets the door and I hear a "Wow! I can't believe it!" from him. Then he calls my mom down. She sees who it is, and says, "Oh! I'll get dressed and come down!" I am still dozing in my bed. Mom runs in. "Melinda! Get up! It's Bryan!"
Bryan? My Bryan who's not mine anymore? The one I haven't talked to in about four months? Really? He's engaged. I know it.
So I get up and throw a shirt on and brush my teeth and march downstairs in a drowsy state. There he is, standing in my kitchen, facing my mother. There it is, in my mother's hand. His wedding announcement. How did I know?! Wait. That's not all. After congratulating him, he says, "Yeah, it's tomorrow." In my sleepy haze I thought I heard him say TOMORROW. I did. Apparently, when he found out we'd not recieved an announcement, he brought one by.
He's been engaged for three months. So, for the last three or four months, as I've been tortured in my soul over him, and whether or not he's the one for me, he is engaged! In the back of my mind, I really always thought we would end up together. I would go through all my lousy boyfriends and then it would be him. There was always Bryan. Yet, just a few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom and determined that, although I will always have that place in my heart for Bryan, I'm not in love with him anymore, even the memory of how we used to be. It's hard to imagine that he is married right now. But I am so happy for him! The things that were majorly holding me back still hold, and if they are ok with his wife, then that is amazing!
The Lord's timing is incredible. I was able to get over Bryan on my own, because it wasn't right, and not because he was engaged and I had to. Someone new has appeared and it has the potential to be amazing. We'll have to see what happens, but I have really truly met a great, smart, funny, charming, faithful, return missionary, chivlarous guy who for some reason thinks that I'm great, too! All I know is that I am the happiest, truly happiest, that I've been in such a long time. I am so excited to go to Nauvoo and have the incredible opportunities it brings!
10:00 rolls around and there is someone at the door. I'm vaguely hearing this because I'm so tired! Well, my dad gets the door and I hear a "Wow! I can't believe it!" from him. Then he calls my mom down. She sees who it is, and says, "Oh! I'll get dressed and come down!" I am still dozing in my bed. Mom runs in. "Melinda! Get up! It's Bryan!"
Bryan? My Bryan who's not mine anymore? The one I haven't talked to in about four months? Really? He's engaged. I know it.
So I get up and throw a shirt on and brush my teeth and march downstairs in a drowsy state. There he is, standing in my kitchen, facing my mother. There it is, in my mother's hand. His wedding announcement. How did I know?! Wait. That's not all. After congratulating him, he says, "Yeah, it's tomorrow." In my sleepy haze I thought I heard him say TOMORROW. I did. Apparently, when he found out we'd not recieved an announcement, he brought one by.
He's been engaged for three months. So, for the last three or four months, as I've been tortured in my soul over him, and whether or not he's the one for me, he is engaged! In the back of my mind, I really always thought we would end up together. I would go through all my lousy boyfriends and then it would be him. There was always Bryan. Yet, just a few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom and determined that, although I will always have that place in my heart for Bryan, I'm not in love with him anymore, even the memory of how we used to be. It's hard to imagine that he is married right now. But I am so happy for him! The things that were majorly holding me back still hold, and if they are ok with his wife, then that is amazing!
The Lord's timing is incredible. I was able to get over Bryan on my own, because it wasn't right, and not because he was engaged and I had to. Someone new has appeared and it has the potential to be amazing. We'll have to see what happens, but I have really truly met a great, smart, funny, charming, faithful, return missionary, chivlarous guy who for some reason thinks that I'm great, too! All I know is that I am the happiest, truly happiest, that I've been in such a long time. I am so excited to go to Nauvoo and have the incredible opportunities it brings!
Monday, June 18, 2007
Family History
While doing my family history homework which seems so pointless to me, I was watching tv. Suddenly, there was a Celtic dance number on. I love it. Celtic music takes me somewhere that other music can't- like back to my roots. My dad and I can listen to it and just cry because the spirit of the music is so strong. I feel my heritage closer and closer to me, enriching me.
My mom hates it. She can take about a minute of it before she makes me change it. I can tell my mother's side is not Irish. So far, only one Irish person has been found on my dad's side. But I know there are more! Somehow, I can't quite explain it, I know that the reason why I'm in the family history major is to find them. Yes, I picked my major at random because I needed a new major and it was 45 credits. But I feel like I was led to it. Doing Nauvoo and becoming aware of our ancestors makes me want to find them even more.
We are who our ancestors were. I really believe that. That Celtic spirit is in me and my dad, but not my mom. I believe that as we get to know where we came from, we'll understand ourselves much more. There can be no future without the past!
My mom hates it. She can take about a minute of it before she makes me change it. I can tell my mother's side is not Irish. So far, only one Irish person has been found on my dad's side. But I know there are more! Somehow, I can't quite explain it, I know that the reason why I'm in the family history major is to find them. Yes, I picked my major at random because I needed a new major and it was 45 credits. But I feel like I was led to it. Doing Nauvoo and becoming aware of our ancestors makes me want to find them even more.
We are who our ancestors were. I really believe that. That Celtic spirit is in me and my dad, but not my mom. I believe that as we get to know where we came from, we'll understand ourselves much more. There can be no future without the past!
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Highlands of Heaven
It's Sunday, and we finished our rehearsals for Nauvoo on Friday with a bang!! I've had some incredible stuff happen this week.
One. My cousin, Emily, had never seen the Pageant because she was on her mission both years. And, of course, she was going to be out of town for Friday, so she came on Wednesday to our first dress rehearsal. It was a great run-through, but near the end, one of our actors had to take her son home. Well, she has some critical lines at the end, and this was Emy's first time hearing them! So after I finished my line, and turned to see that she wasn't there, I walked over and started singing and praying that I could remember these lines I had never said. In my broken Scottish accent, I managed to get through it. Now, I didn't want anyone to commend me or say how great it was. It was two lines, after all, and Emy needed to hear them. But I made a comment afterward and David Warner, our director, pointed the action out and everyone started clapping. It was so wierd. I just saw a need and filled it! Oh well. It was fun to have a husband for a 45 second scene.
Two. We can do hard things. We can build things we've never built before to go places we've never gone before. Doing the Sunday Sociable this week was so marvelously refreshing. Completely different from last year, or anything I've seen, and it is so much fun. We performed it at 3:00 on Friday. Music really transcends time and place and situation and brings you completely to the present. That doesn't make a lot of sense, but in my head it does. When you are singing, with or without a partner, that song is what is present and is what matters. Randy and his family came and loved it. Preston, too. It was so fun to be able to use your talents to bring people to Christ. Totally amazing.
Three. I find that when I don't know how to handle something, I shut down. I had a few experiences this week that I've never had to deal with before. When they arose, I completely shut down. When your job in the Pageant is to be completely open, shutting down is detrimental. Opening back up was the hardest thing. I'm working on it.
Four. We met Elder Perry in the hallway. It was awesome. I seriously have the best job in the world. I was experiencing a 'shut down' moment, and he shook my hand and all traces of pain or sadness in my heart and spirit disappeared. It was incredible, and such a blessing!
Five. I had the best district ever! I am learning to much, and they helped me tremendously! I'm not a great leader or speaker, but I'm definately learning. In the beginning stages of rehearsal last week, I taught the women the opening dance. Yes. I taught a dance. It was awesome! I had so much fun doing it. A few days later, the stage manager asked if I would teach the children what they do in the parade. Ok- me, teaching kids. Check. Not experienced in this field at all. I didn't even know what they were supposed to do. But there I was, teaching the kids as I was making it up. One of the sisters commented on how great I was with them! Me? Great with kids? Who would have thought? I figure I'm getting to that age where I should know what to do with them, so I'm getting experiences with them by the truckload. I'm growing so much this year!
One. My cousin, Emily, had never seen the Pageant because she was on her mission both years. And, of course, she was going to be out of town for Friday, so she came on Wednesday to our first dress rehearsal. It was a great run-through, but near the end, one of our actors had to take her son home. Well, she has some critical lines at the end, and this was Emy's first time hearing them! So after I finished my line, and turned to see that she wasn't there, I walked over and started singing and praying that I could remember these lines I had never said. In my broken Scottish accent, I managed to get through it. Now, I didn't want anyone to commend me or say how great it was. It was two lines, after all, and Emy needed to hear them. But I made a comment afterward and David Warner, our director, pointed the action out and everyone started clapping. It was so wierd. I just saw a need and filled it! Oh well. It was fun to have a husband for a 45 second scene.
Two. We can do hard things. We can build things we've never built before to go places we've never gone before. Doing the Sunday Sociable this week was so marvelously refreshing. Completely different from last year, or anything I've seen, and it is so much fun. We performed it at 3:00 on Friday. Music really transcends time and place and situation and brings you completely to the present. That doesn't make a lot of sense, but in my head it does. When you are singing, with or without a partner, that song is what is present and is what matters. Randy and his family came and loved it. Preston, too. It was so fun to be able to use your talents to bring people to Christ. Totally amazing.
Three. I find that when I don't know how to handle something, I shut down. I had a few experiences this week that I've never had to deal with before. When they arose, I completely shut down. When your job in the Pageant is to be completely open, shutting down is detrimental. Opening back up was the hardest thing. I'm working on it.
Four. We met Elder Perry in the hallway. It was awesome. I seriously have the best job in the world. I was experiencing a 'shut down' moment, and he shook my hand and all traces of pain or sadness in my heart and spirit disappeared. It was incredible, and such a blessing!
Five. I had the best district ever! I am learning to much, and they helped me tremendously! I'm not a great leader or speaker, but I'm definately learning. In the beginning stages of rehearsal last week, I taught the women the opening dance. Yes. I taught a dance. It was awesome! I had so much fun doing it. A few days later, the stage manager asked if I would teach the children what they do in the parade. Ok- me, teaching kids. Check. Not experienced in this field at all. I didn't even know what they were supposed to do. But there I was, teaching the kids as I was making it up. One of the sisters commented on how great I was with them! Me? Great with kids? Who would have thought? I figure I'm getting to that age where I should know what to do with them, so I'm getting experiences with them by the truckload. I'm growing so much this year!
Sunday, June 10, 2007
City Beautiful
I am learning so much this year. I know that the Lord is putting things and people in my path to help me grow. Not only is the 'acting style' different, the whole approach is, too. We aren't acting, really. We are sharing our testimonies up on stage. We aren't 'putting on' or 'finding' a character, we are truly being ourselves. The trick is that we have to know ourselves so much that we can open up and not be self-concious or afraid of who we are. I am a daughter of God, and I know that He loves me. I know that I have been sent for times like this. I know that I have been put in a situation where I can learn and grow, and help others see the truth of the gospel. I have a deep responsibility toward the people who I've represented on stages and cameras. I have to watch myself all the time to make sure that what I'm doing and especially how I'm acting reflects the light and truth that I've been given. I have been allowed the opportunity to share the gospel- especially in the way that I act. If, for one second, I was not living up to the standards that I have set, it would be devastating.
The other day, my friend, Paul, and I went to lunch. Afterward, we went to Macey's to get some ice cream. Lo and behold, there was a family that had done Nauvoo and Savior of the World getting ice cream, too. Now, these kids know me. To them, I am Mary. Or Eliza R. Snow. I am a person of substance and deep faith, and do good to everyone. If I happened to turn the corner laughing loudly or being obnoxious, even for a moment, their perception of not only me, but of their entire Nauvoo/Savior experience would be altered. Therefore, I feel like it is my job to always live up to the Mary/Eliza persona. It is not easy by any means, but I believe that it is neccesary.
I've been presented with somewhat of a diffifult situation. Without going into specifics, something other than the work has occupied my attention during rehearsals. It is hard not to think about my dreams and my future, but right now my responsibility is toward the Pageant and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. It is hard to know where to draw the line, but I am trying to let the Spirit guide me.
I want to be good. I want to be good so much! I am trying to do the right thing, and focus on today in stead of the near future. "One step at a time, one hope, then another. Who knows where this road may go?" A piece of my dreams came true yesterday, and it was a little bit amazing. But still, caution. "I had to give away all I had to get back everything I want."
Yesterday in rehearsal, the temple panels went up for the first time this year. I could not have known the Spirit that flooded over me when I turned to see it. I am so blessed to be able do do this work, to tell the story of Nauvoo, and to be the conduit for the Spirit that brings people to Christ. It's there. "When you're here, we're here." We are being blessed constantly for the sacrifices we are making. The veil was very thin when looking at our beautiful temple.
I pray that I will make a difference somehow. That the Lord can use me in whatever way He sees fit. It will be an amazing summer, I can tell already. Full of opportunities for ETRs, as my friend, Annie, calls "enhancing the relationship" rather than DTRs- "defining the relationship." Oh yes. Bring it on.
The other day, my friend, Paul, and I went to lunch. Afterward, we went to Macey's to get some ice cream. Lo and behold, there was a family that had done Nauvoo and Savior of the World getting ice cream, too. Now, these kids know me. To them, I am Mary. Or Eliza R. Snow. I am a person of substance and deep faith, and do good to everyone. If I happened to turn the corner laughing loudly or being obnoxious, even for a moment, their perception of not only me, but of their entire Nauvoo/Savior experience would be altered. Therefore, I feel like it is my job to always live up to the Mary/Eliza persona. It is not easy by any means, but I believe that it is neccesary.
I've been presented with somewhat of a diffifult situation. Without going into specifics, something other than the work has occupied my attention during rehearsals. It is hard not to think about my dreams and my future, but right now my responsibility is toward the Pageant and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. It is hard to know where to draw the line, but I am trying to let the Spirit guide me.
I want to be good. I want to be good so much! I am trying to do the right thing, and focus on today in stead of the near future. "One step at a time, one hope, then another. Who knows where this road may go?" A piece of my dreams came true yesterday, and it was a little bit amazing. But still, caution. "I had to give away all I had to get back everything I want."
Yesterday in rehearsal, the temple panels went up for the first time this year. I could not have known the Spirit that flooded over me when I turned to see it. I am so blessed to be able do do this work, to tell the story of Nauvoo, and to be the conduit for the Spirit that brings people to Christ. It's there. "When you're here, we're here." We are being blessed constantly for the sacrifices we are making. The veil was very thin when looking at our beautiful temple.
I pray that I will make a difference somehow. That the Lord can use me in whatever way He sees fit. It will be an amazing summer, I can tell already. Full of opportunities for ETRs, as my friend, Annie, calls "enhancing the relationship" rather than DTRs- "defining the relationship." Oh yes. Bring it on.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Praise to the Man
Nauvoo rehearsals are going so well. Better than I could have asked for! My district is so willing and helpful. Everyone participating is so wonderful! My friend, Cathy, is in it, too, as a dancer!
The feeling of Nauvoo is more than a show. The Spirit that is present among us truly makes me feel that Zion is possible- that the Law of Consecration really is obtainable. It's making me a better person all around, and what makes life better makes our offerings better, too. I'm learning so much!
Random: Michelle and I saw Elder Perry today. As of now, I'm singing 4 songs in the Sociable. I have the best job in the world!!
The feeling of Nauvoo is more than a show. The Spirit that is present among us truly makes me feel that Zion is possible- that the Law of Consecration really is obtainable. It's making me a better person all around, and what makes life better makes our offerings better, too. I'm learning so much!
Random: Michelle and I saw Elder Perry today. As of now, I'm singing 4 songs in the Sociable. I have the best job in the world!!
Monday, June 4, 2007
It's almost like being in...
What a day this has been! What a rare mood I'm in!
Yes. Today has been the best day!!!
I got some sleep last night so today I was in an insane mood!!!! I was jumping around the stage and laughing and everything was amazing. BIG contrast to yesterday, when I could barely walk because my back was in so much pain. I strained it working out, so I haven't been able to do anything. And the raked stage was killer. But Soni brought me some "Essence Calming Creme" and she put it on my back and it instantly relaxed my back! It was amazing! And of course, that person I won't mention talked to me a lot. Wow.
So we got out of rehearsal in Salt Lake early and all came down to my house for an FHE dinner thing, and to rehearse vignettes and music. It was so much fun to have everyone here! I always have anxiety over large amounts of people in my home, but it was sooo much fun. And the Allen children came, too. I love them! I feel like a big sister or something. Between the Karrs and the Allens, I am being molded into someone children may actually like!! And they are making me like to be around them! Seriously, this is big. Wow. I need to get planning for my district meeting tomorrow. I am so excited for this year! I've got a great district right now. They are teaching me a lot! I'm excited to get my sister's family in my district out in Nauvoo. This year is definately going to be amazing, and I can already tell that I am going to grow so much. I'm looking over 'Preach My Gospel' and I am so humbled that I am going to teach out of it. I also have to prepare a Sunday School lesson for next week, but I can't think about it! This is a big week. As of now, I'm singing 'Astonishing' and 'Wheels of a Dream' with Alex DeBirk and 'Some Things are Meant to Be' with my sister. I'm fine with all but Astonishing, of course. It's an odd feeling to be scared of singing. It's not a familiar one! Oh well, just more growing.
Well, Ive now typed away all my extra sleeping time. I'm so excited for tomorrow!!
Yes. Today has been the best day!!!
I got some sleep last night so today I was in an insane mood!!!! I was jumping around the stage and laughing and everything was amazing. BIG contrast to yesterday, when I could barely walk because my back was in so much pain. I strained it working out, so I haven't been able to do anything. And the raked stage was killer. But Soni brought me some "Essence Calming Creme" and she put it on my back and it instantly relaxed my back! It was amazing! And of course, that person I won't mention talked to me a lot. Wow.
So we got out of rehearsal in Salt Lake early and all came down to my house for an FHE dinner thing, and to rehearse vignettes and music. It was so much fun to have everyone here! I always have anxiety over large amounts of people in my home, but it was sooo much fun. And the Allen children came, too. I love them! I feel like a big sister or something. Between the Karrs and the Allens, I am being molded into someone children may actually like!! And they are making me like to be around them! Seriously, this is big. Wow. I need to get planning for my district meeting tomorrow. I am so excited for this year! I've got a great district right now. They are teaching me a lot! I'm excited to get my sister's family in my district out in Nauvoo. This year is definately going to be amazing, and I can already tell that I am going to grow so much. I'm looking over 'Preach My Gospel' and I am so humbled that I am going to teach out of it. I also have to prepare a Sunday School lesson for next week, but I can't think about it! This is a big week. As of now, I'm singing 'Astonishing' and 'Wheels of a Dream' with Alex DeBirk and 'Some Things are Meant to Be' with my sister. I'm fine with all but Astonishing, of course. It's an odd feeling to be scared of singing. It's not a familiar one! Oh well, just more growing.
Well, Ive now typed away all my extra sleeping time. I'm so excited for tomorrow!!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
The Last Day
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. Yes. Cliche? I don't think so...because it's true. Tomorrow I start rehearsals for Nauvoo. Long, all-day, awesome rehearsals. When that's over, I go to Nauvoo. When that's over, I get ready for school. When school starts, Young Ambassadors starts. After YAs start, I have no life until May. It's a good thing I'm not dating anyone right now, because I'd never see him. That's a positive! Deep breath.
I'm a bit nervous...well, terrified...to do our Sociable. Right now I'm on the list to do 'Astonishing' from Little Women. I can't do it. I tried last night- my voice is not used to that place. My mom said I'm 90% there, which is also scary. I wish I could do an easy classical song!!! Well, we all give up something. I am excited for rehearsals, though. I'm excited to be doing something! Focusing on one thing and doing my job. And what a job it is! I'm so blessed to be able to work for the Church in the way that I do. I'm not a good speaker...I think a formal mission would kill me...and those around me. Seriously, just bearing my testimony is bad. Maybe I should take a class. Hmm.
Big news: I have a crush on my chiropractor's son. I've no idea why. But it feels good to have that feeling that won't be returned again!! I feel like I'm getting back into the swing of things, and could actually enjoy going on a date. It's been a long time coming, but my faith in guys is slowly being restored by all my awesome friends. Well, it's my cousin's birthday dinner. And my sister is coming in!!! I am so excited to have her for two whole weeks!! My brother-in-law was just here, and it was so much fun! I've never felt like we were friends- he kind of assumed the 'brother I never had' position when he married my sister. But now I feel like we are! I loved having him here. He's awesome!
Off to dinner and airport. Or something. My friend, Paul, came to visit me today and it was so much fun. Hooray for amazing friends!!
I'm a bit nervous...well, terrified...to do our Sociable. Right now I'm on the list to do 'Astonishing' from Little Women. I can't do it. I tried last night- my voice is not used to that place. My mom said I'm 90% there, which is also scary. I wish I could do an easy classical song!!! Well, we all give up something. I am excited for rehearsals, though. I'm excited to be doing something! Focusing on one thing and doing my job. And what a job it is! I'm so blessed to be able to work for the Church in the way that I do. I'm not a good speaker...I think a formal mission would kill me...and those around me. Seriously, just bearing my testimony is bad. Maybe I should take a class. Hmm.
Big news: I have a crush on my chiropractor's son. I've no idea why. But it feels good to have that feeling that won't be returned again!! I feel like I'm getting back into the swing of things, and could actually enjoy going on a date. It's been a long time coming, but my faith in guys is slowly being restored by all my awesome friends. Well, it's my cousin's birthday dinner. And my sister is coming in!!! I am so excited to have her for two whole weeks!! My brother-in-law was just here, and it was so much fun! I've never felt like we were friends- he kind of assumed the 'brother I never had' position when he married my sister. But now I feel like we are! I loved having him here. He's awesome!
Off to dinner and airport. Or something. My friend, Paul, came to visit me today and it was so much fun. Hooray for amazing friends!!
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Jeff and Jess
I took my friend Jeff's engagement pics, and I decided to show a couple of my favorites.
Pictures...
This is me at 17. Apparently, I haven't liked any other pictures of me in the last 4 years. Well, that's not true, but I'm back at blonde, and I'll try to work on getting a decent blonde photo now.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Wisdom?
So this one time, my best friend asked me for some advice. She's discovered she's a bit non-committal. I don't know where this advice came from, but I need to remember it, too. So, here it is. My advice to my best friend...who is pretty much awesome.
So, I'll 'elp' you out. Apparently I have no passion. I know, I know. But really, ever since Bryan went on his mission, I don't know. When I really open up to someone, (except you) they just disappoint me? Not that I have that high of expectations...I take that back. My expectations are extremely high. "I love her anyway." That's all I want! Well. We are protective of ourselves. We really don't want to get hurt, or for us to hurt someone else. We care too much! I hate hurting people, but in the back of my head, I think, I'm crazy enough that I'm doing this person a favor by not seeing the real me. That way, neither of us gets as hurt as we would have. I know, it's stupid. We are essentially the same person, but you are nicer. So you care more than I do about hurting people. You probably see your flaws as huge boulders that people shouldn't have to climb over. But what you need to find are people who decide that you are worth climbing the mountains and swimming those oceans. And when they prove that to you, then those hills won't seem so big. I don't know what it is! I find the same problem. But I don't think it's so much non-committal as finding the right people to decide are worth it. Really, not everyone is awesome enough to deserve the walls of Jericho to come down. But there are some that are, and when they present themselves, I think the Spirit will let us know it. And I think they will let their guard down and we will, too. Uh, if this had made any sense, then good for you!
I love you, you're awesome. Everything will work out.
So, I'll 'elp' you out. Apparently I have no passion. I know, I know. But really, ever since Bryan went on his mission, I don't know. When I really open up to someone, (except you) they just disappoint me? Not that I have that high of expectations...I take that back. My expectations are extremely high. "I love her anyway." That's all I want! Well. We are protective of ourselves. We really don't want to get hurt, or for us to hurt someone else. We care too much! I hate hurting people, but in the back of my head, I think, I'm crazy enough that I'm doing this person a favor by not seeing the real me. That way, neither of us gets as hurt as we would have. I know, it's stupid. We are essentially the same person, but you are nicer. So you care more than I do about hurting people. You probably see your flaws as huge boulders that people shouldn't have to climb over. But what you need to find are people who decide that you are worth climbing the mountains and swimming those oceans. And when they prove that to you, then those hills won't seem so big. I don't know what it is! I find the same problem. But I don't think it's so much non-committal as finding the right people to decide are worth it. Really, not everyone is awesome enough to deserve the walls of Jericho to come down. But there are some that are, and when they present themselves, I think the Spirit will let us know it. And I think they will let their guard down and we will, too. Uh, if this had made any sense, then good for you!
I love you, you're awesome. Everything will work out.
Boys...yeah.
I just went on my first date in about 4 months. After an extremely bad experience with the last guy I dated (we call him a stalker for a reason), I decided I was done. And it wasn't just him, it was every single guy I've dated since my second boyfriend. They go crazy on me, or play me, or I'm not as serious about them as they are about me, or they're demeaning and light-sucking. Light-sucking is when someone takes your light- happiness, Spirit, general kindness, etc.- away from you. My uncle told me that everyone will be wrong until that one person is right. I guess that it is easier for every one of them to have a flaw big enough to see from space, so I have something to pin it to. I don't know.
My first boyfriend was perfect. I mean, perfect. He is the only boy that I have ever loved. I met him on a blind date. He could always make me laugh. He was my first real kiss. We had a hard time saying goodbye. He'd share his feelings with me. He'd tell me that he loved me. He'd write me notes and leave them on my car at school, or on my door, or sometimes on my porch with flowers. Sometimes he'd throw rocks at my window to get my attention. He always made me happy when I was with him. He wanted to go on a mission, and he did. He thought I was beautiful, and told me so all the time. We could be doing nothing, and I'd be completely satisfied, just as long as we were together. He thought I was perfect for him. He knew my weaknesses and didn't tease me about them. He was never demeaning or rude. If I was sick, he would be perfectly happy to come over and just hold me, or make me laugh to keep my mind off of it. My family loved him. I don't know how his family felt about me. Whenever I was thinking about him, he would call. He was that boy in the movies that no one thinks is real. I couldn't have asked for anyone more amazing.
All of the guys that I dated were great at first. I kept trying to find what I had with Bryan. I couldn't. When he came home from his mission, I wanted to get to know him again. We'd stopped writing a few months in so he could focus on his mission. We'd both changed so much over those two years. I had gotten out of another bad relationship, and a mini-mission of my own in Nauvoo with the Pageant. It wasn't right to jump right back in where we left off. I had a feeling that we couldn't just date. We'd already dated for a year and a half, so if we started again, it would be to decide if we got married or not. So, considering the fact that I am nowhere near even thinking avout being ready for marriage, the thought that Bryan and I may not end up together was not one I wanted to give any heed to. The thought of how we used to be was somehow better than the thought that it just might not be right now. So it didn't happen. And now he's dating someone else. I saw him at the Devotional when President Hinckley spoke, and I hadn't seen him in a while. I randomly ran into him at a random portal and there he was. And there she was. And I turned away after he said goodbye and I couldn't hold back the tears. I sobbed all the way through the Devotional, and I'm sure the people next to me thought I was crazy. I pretty much cried for about three days. I really didn't know what to do. I miss him all the time. I always wondered if I should've told him, but that would be selfish. I couldn't very well tell him that I wanted to date him again but we may or may not have a future together, especially when he was dating someone! No.
So here I am. Trying to get over my small fear of dating, no viable options in sight. But I am really happy. I know that the one for me will come along. And that he'll be totally awesome. I won't settle anymore. And I'll follow the Spirit when it tells me "Run!!!" Ok, that's all for now. I'm watching a really sappy movie on tv.
My first boyfriend was perfect. I mean, perfect. He is the only boy that I have ever loved. I met him on a blind date. He could always make me laugh. He was my first real kiss. We had a hard time saying goodbye. He'd share his feelings with me. He'd tell me that he loved me. He'd write me notes and leave them on my car at school, or on my door, or sometimes on my porch with flowers. Sometimes he'd throw rocks at my window to get my attention. He always made me happy when I was with him. He wanted to go on a mission, and he did. He thought I was beautiful, and told me so all the time. We could be doing nothing, and I'd be completely satisfied, just as long as we were together. He thought I was perfect for him. He knew my weaknesses and didn't tease me about them. He was never demeaning or rude. If I was sick, he would be perfectly happy to come over and just hold me, or make me laugh to keep my mind off of it. My family loved him. I don't know how his family felt about me. Whenever I was thinking about him, he would call. He was that boy in the movies that no one thinks is real. I couldn't have asked for anyone more amazing.
All of the guys that I dated were great at first. I kept trying to find what I had with Bryan. I couldn't. When he came home from his mission, I wanted to get to know him again. We'd stopped writing a few months in so he could focus on his mission. We'd both changed so much over those two years. I had gotten out of another bad relationship, and a mini-mission of my own in Nauvoo with the Pageant. It wasn't right to jump right back in where we left off. I had a feeling that we couldn't just date. We'd already dated for a year and a half, so if we started again, it would be to decide if we got married or not. So, considering the fact that I am nowhere near even thinking avout being ready for marriage, the thought that Bryan and I may not end up together was not one I wanted to give any heed to. The thought of how we used to be was somehow better than the thought that it just might not be right now. So it didn't happen. And now he's dating someone else. I saw him at the Devotional when President Hinckley spoke, and I hadn't seen him in a while. I randomly ran into him at a random portal and there he was. And there she was. And I turned away after he said goodbye and I couldn't hold back the tears. I sobbed all the way through the Devotional, and I'm sure the people next to me thought I was crazy. I pretty much cried for about three days. I really didn't know what to do. I miss him all the time. I always wondered if I should've told him, but that would be selfish. I couldn't very well tell him that I wanted to date him again but we may or may not have a future together, especially when he was dating someone! No.
So here I am. Trying to get over my small fear of dating, no viable options in sight. But I am really happy. I know that the one for me will come along. And that he'll be totally awesome. I won't settle anymore. And I'll follow the Spirit when it tells me "Run!!!" Ok, that's all for now. I'm watching a really sappy movie on tv.
Blogs!!
Wow. I'm writing a blog. I wonder how it all works. Maybe I'll post sample picture or something...or just ramble on. I'm really not a good speaker. I usually can't stop and my thoughts go a million different places. I am a lot better at writing, so this might be just the thing for me.
So I'm trying to finish this incomplete in my History 400 class. I am having a really hard time doing it. I just can't concentrate.
I used to love school. I lived for getting A's. In 8th grade I got really sick, and I prety much dropped out. As a result, I've gotten through school by compromising with teachers and doing the minimal amount of work possible to pass. Consequently, I've become a bit lazy. I hate it. I used to be the girl who did everything perfectly and went the extra mile, and I loved it. I have a thing for making people happy. If I can help someone, I usually do. But I hate doing a run-of-the-mill job. I find myself with a bit of a perfection problem. I either want to be perfect and amazing at something, or fail miserably. To just be 'average' makes my skin crawl a little bit. I'm better than I used to be, but it's definately still a part of me. I had a counselor once challenge me to get a 'C' on a paper. I almost had an anxiety attack. I hate disappointing people, teachers included.
There's no way that I'm going to do an amazing job on these projects, and that's ok. I just want to pass the class. But it's still really hard. Ugh.
So I'm trying to finish this incomplete in my History 400 class. I am having a really hard time doing it. I just can't concentrate.
I used to love school. I lived for getting A's. In 8th grade I got really sick, and I prety much dropped out. As a result, I've gotten through school by compromising with teachers and doing the minimal amount of work possible to pass. Consequently, I've become a bit lazy. I hate it. I used to be the girl who did everything perfectly and went the extra mile, and I loved it. I have a thing for making people happy. If I can help someone, I usually do. But I hate doing a run-of-the-mill job. I find myself with a bit of a perfection problem. I either want to be perfect and amazing at something, or fail miserably. To just be 'average' makes my skin crawl a little bit. I'm better than I used to be, but it's definately still a part of me. I had a counselor once challenge me to get a 'C' on a paper. I almost had an anxiety attack. I hate disappointing people, teachers included.
There's no way that I'm going to do an amazing job on these projects, and that's ok. I just want to pass the class. But it's still really hard. Ugh.
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