Boys...yeah.

I just went on my first date in about 4 months. After an extremely bad experience with the last guy I dated (we call him a stalker for a reason), I decided I was done. And it wasn't just him, it was every single guy I've dated since my second boyfriend. They go crazy on me, or play me, or I'm not as serious about them as they are about me, or they're demeaning and light-sucking. Light-sucking is when someone takes your light- happiness, Spirit, general kindness, etc.- away from you. My uncle told me that everyone will be wrong until that one person is right. I guess that it is easier for every one of them to have a flaw big enough to see from space, so I have something to pin it to. I don't know.

My first boyfriend was perfect. I mean, perfect. He is the only boy that I have ever loved. I met him on a blind date. He could always make me laugh. He was my first real kiss. We had a hard time saying goodbye. He'd share his feelings with me. He'd tell me that he loved me. He'd write me notes and leave them on my car at school, or on my door, or sometimes on my porch with flowers. Sometimes he'd throw rocks at my window to get my attention. He always made me happy when I was with him. He wanted to go on a mission, and he did. He thought I was beautiful, and told me so all the time. We could be doing nothing, and I'd be completely satisfied, just as long as we were together. He thought I was perfect for him. He knew my weaknesses and didn't tease me about them. He was never demeaning or rude. If I was sick, he would be perfectly happy to come over and just hold me, or make me laugh to keep my mind off of it. My family loved him. I don't know how his family felt about me. Whenever I was thinking about him, he would call. He was that boy in the movies that no one thinks is real. I couldn't have asked for anyone more amazing.

All of the guys that I dated were great at first. I kept trying to find what I had with Bryan. I couldn't. When he came home from his mission, I wanted to get to know him again. We'd stopped writing a few months in so he could focus on his mission. We'd both changed so much over those two years. I had gotten out of another bad relationship, and a mini-mission of my own in Nauvoo with the Pageant. It wasn't right to jump right back in where we left off. I had a feeling that we couldn't just date. We'd already dated for a year and a half, so if we started again, it would be to decide if we got married or not. So, considering the fact that I am nowhere near even thinking avout being ready for marriage, the thought that Bryan and I may not end up together was not one I wanted to give any heed to. The thought of how we used to be was somehow better than the thought that it just might not be right now. So it didn't happen. And now he's dating someone else. I saw him at the Devotional when President Hinckley spoke, and I hadn't seen him in a while. I randomly ran into him at a random portal and there he was. And there she was. And I turned away after he said goodbye and I couldn't hold back the tears. I sobbed all the way through the Devotional, and I'm sure the people next to me thought I was crazy. I pretty much cried for about three days. I really didn't know what to do. I miss him all the time. I always wondered if I should've told him, but that would be selfish. I couldn't very well tell him that I wanted to date him again but we may or may not have a future together, especially when he was dating someone! No.

So here I am. Trying to get over my small fear of dating, no viable options in sight. But I am really happy. I know that the one for me will come along. And that he'll be totally awesome. I won't settle anymore. And I'll follow the Spirit when it tells me "Run!!!" Ok, that's all for now. I'm watching a really sappy movie on tv.