Does it still matter?

When does something stop mattering? How far gone do you have to be for promises and covenants to be forgotten and broken? Now, I am not trying to judge unrighteously in this post. I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone. I also know that not everyone was raised like I was. But I was taught the same Sunday School and Young Women lessons as everyone else. I made the same covenants in the temple of the Lord that many others have made. When does one forget? The dictionary says the word 'remember' comes from the Latin memorari, meaning "to be mindful of." We are taught in the scriptures to always remember the Lord. That means that we need to always be mindful of the Lord. What causes someone to forget the promises they have made and stop being mindful of Him?
I was taught to respect my body. I was taught and I know that it is a sacred gift, and not my own. I know that how I dress affects not only me, but those around me. I never wanted what I wore to reflect badly on me or to cause my guy friends to have to look away from me to keep their thoughts clean. I respected those around me enough to be conscious of what I wore. I wear shirts with sleeves, shorts to the knee, cover my stomach, and one-piece swimming suits. I've heard girls complain that they can't get dates if they dress that way. I don't get that. Do you really want to be attracting people who will date you because you are dressing skimpily? I absolutely wouldn't. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I know that others are watching me. I am happy to be an example. Many of my jobs have required me to be very conscious of just how much of an example that I am. I don't want anyone to question who I am or what I believe because of how I dress or speak.
I also know that the Lord is watching. He was watching when I was taught about wearing modest clothes, and He is mindful of me and when I do and don't do the things I was taught. A lot of what I was taught as a youth were leading me to be worthy to get married in the temple. I got there, and now I strive to be worthy always to hold a temple recommend which allows me to continue to do the Lord's work in the temple and remember the promises I made to Him, and those He made to me. I made a promise that I would wear modest clothes. Of course, if I'm exercising or dancing or wearing a costume or doing something else that is physically demanding enough that it requires dressing another way, I will do it. However, I was taught to get right back into modest clothes when I am done, and I do that. I know that everyone else who's been to the temple was taught the same thing. Why does one forget? Is having a sleeveless, short dress more important than the Lord? How does one justify dressing that way? Heat? Convenience? Where there is justification for modesty, another justification is not far away. What will it be next? Swearing? Church? Sex?
I am tired of seeing my friends on Facebook and in life wearing immodest things. There is always something else to wear! Is it so much more work to put a t-shirt on instead of a tank top? Is it too hard to go searing a bit more for a dress with sleeves or wear something on top of it? Is it?! I am so grateful for those friends who I see that are wearing things that are modest. I want to give them all huge hugs! It's true that it may be a little more work to find things to wear that are modest, shirts that are long enough or dresses with sleeves, but isn't it worth it? To be able to walk uprightly before the Lord and everyone you meet, knowing that He is mindful of you? And showing the Lord that you are mindful of Him?
I know many people will be upset by this. Go ahead. I hold people to my high standards, and I am not apologizing for it. There are many who are more brave than I am and can say what they feel in person. I'm just not that person. I just couldn't go one more day without making my feelings public to whoever reads this blog. Just remember!

I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go

I've been absorbed by the subject of my last post for a long time. At church today, I had a thought. We were singing the hymn, "I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go." The song says, I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord, over mountain or plain or sea. It's easy to say that you will go anywhere and do anything the Lord wants you to do. If He called on you to do something really taxing, you would do it. It is, of course, for the Lord. But why would the Lord ever call on us to do what He needs, when we aren't doing what we have been asked already? If we are too tired to get up for church on Sunday, too busy to do visiting teaching, which we as Relief Society sisters have been called to do, why would the Lord trust us with anything else? I often think that if the Lord called on me to move to some far-off place, I wouldn't hesitate. I used to have this dream that I was famous and would regularly confer with the Bretheren and/or the First Presidency on what I should say on talk shows and other interviews. I was called on to be a sort of musical ambassador for the Church. I have so many lofty dreams that are fairly attainable, but if I am not doing the small things, why would I get to do the big things, too? I've heard people question when we will receive the sealed portions of the Book of Mormon, and the answer is, of course, not until we have treasured, followed, prayed about, and studied the portion we already have!

It's been a while...

I don't really know where to start. I am just about the most awful blogger/journal writer ever. I'm sitting here in St. George, UT while Alex, the perfect husband, is working. We are down doing the shows at Tuacahn this summer. I could complain for days about everything that's happening here, and I'm sad to say that I have been. I didn't realize how hard it would be down here. I am trying not to judge. Alex and I have questioned everything except for the Church and each other while being here. It's too hot to go outside, and we just stay at home most of the day. What is it about summerstock that is just so hard? I keep hearing that it's not like regular theater, but I have to think that to some extent, it is. If this is what I was doing for my profession, I would be in 'summerstock' all year round. I would be in a different place with nothing to really do but the show. The people I would be with all the time would be the people in the shows. I don't know. It doesn't sound like any life that I want.
I said that I was trying not to judge. I know that I have very high standards for myself. It isn't a problem that those who believe and have been raised differently from me are swearing or being crude. The hardest thing for me is to watch those that I am fairly sure know better, doing those same things. Why is still cool for some people to swear? When did that happen? Where was I? When did church become an optional activity? When did simple callings become too hard to fit in to our schedules? And why do those few people who have the courage to say how they feel about those things become the subjects of scorn, ridicule, and backbiting? Is it just the summerstock environment that makes these things happen? Or is it just so easy to forget? I may very well have been raised differently than others, but not going to church because you don't feel like it or are too tired just isn't right. I am not saying that I am perfect. Far from it. It is extremely hard to get home from a show at 12:30 and have to wind down for at least an hour, but more likely two hours, then trying to get a good night's sleep so you don't get sick, and getting up earlier than you'd like or need just to go to church? I'm not perfect at going to church, but I'm trying. But enough complaining!

Is this it?

I have recently found myself in the midst of something that I previously thought to not have existed, or, at least, existed in the way of the songs and movies. But I couldn't have been more wrong. I find myself in love. So much so, in fact, that I can hardly think of anything else. And the most amazing part is that I think I am going to get married.
Me? Married?!? Just four months ago, I hated boys, and prided myself on my ability to NOT get a date. For about four months, I didn't go on a date, and I was happy to be rid of that scene. I was looking forward to the next year or so- date-free. I didn't want to have my heart trampled on one more time. I was done. These "best years of our lives" were absolutely wonderful for me, except when it came to dating. My friends know that I am always good for a bad-date story. As another one of my friends got engaged every week, though, I was resigned to the fact that I wasn't getting married any time soon, and I was ok with that.
Despite my indifference, I was lonely. Horribly lonely. I would cry all the time- four times a week- for no apparent reason. No one really knew it, though. I put on a good show, but I was a little depressed underneath it all. In my heart, I knew that there must be someone out there who wasn't a player or a jerk, but I certainly couldn't find them. No one could have just made up all those stories of love and marriage and happiness. What about all of my friends who were so happy? And my neighbors who are still in love after forty years of marriage? I looked around me, and I knew it must be real. Maybe it just wasn't meant for me.
So I went on my way, serving and living life as somewhat normal. Nauvoo Pageant was coming up. I had no idea what was in store for me. My sister said that maybe this is the blessing for all of my trials in my life, always being sick and serving in the Church the last three years. In all honesty, I kept waiting for something bad enough to happen to scare him away. But through all of my ups and downs, he was there. I kept waiting for him to get scared away, but he didn't. I kept trying to hold my heart, but I found that I was giving it to him. He proved himself daily, and still does.
So now I am completely in love with someone who is completely perfect for me. I feel amazingly all the time, happy as can be. Is this what it feels like? To be ready for marriage? To be in love and have that person love you back? To know that the Lord is OK with your decision? To be ready to take on marriage and all it entails? I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, but I guess this is it! I have someone who is perfect for me in every way, and I now can fathom why someone would want to get married. I can't imagine living my life without him now. He is everything to me. He sees me for me. We laugh at each other all the time. I would be the happiest person alive if I could feel this way forever. This IS it!!

My life!?!

So yesterday morning I woke up about 8:30 to another cute text from this amazing guy I'm not supposed to like yet. Complicated. Not really. In the situation, it's perfect. However, I fall quickly back to sleep because I was up texting said person for a long time last night.

10:00 rolls around and there is someone at the door. I'm vaguely hearing this because I'm so tired! Well, my dad gets the door and I hear a "Wow! I can't believe it!" from him. Then he calls my mom down. She sees who it is, and says, "Oh! I'll get dressed and come down!" I am still dozing in my bed. Mom runs in. "Melinda! Get up! It's Bryan!"

Bryan? My Bryan who's not mine anymore? The one I haven't talked to in about four months? Really? He's engaged. I know it.

So I get up and throw a shirt on and brush my teeth and march downstairs in a drowsy state. There he is, standing in my kitchen, facing my mother. There it is, in my mother's hand. His wedding announcement. How did I know?! Wait. That's not all. After congratulating him, he says, "Yeah, it's tomorrow." In my sleepy haze I thought I heard him say TOMORROW. I did. Apparently, when he found out we'd not recieved an announcement, he brought one by.

He's been engaged for three months. So, for the last three or four months, as I've been tortured in my soul over him, and whether or not he's the one for me, he is engaged! In the back of my mind, I really always thought we would end up together. I would go through all my lousy boyfriends and then it would be him. There was always Bryan. Yet, just a few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom and determined that, although I will always have that place in my heart for Bryan, I'm not in love with him anymore, even the memory of how we used to be. It's hard to imagine that he is married right now. But I am so happy for him! The things that were majorly holding me back still hold, and if they are ok with his wife, then that is amazing!

The Lord's timing is incredible. I was able to get over Bryan on my own, because it wasn't right, and not because he was engaged and I had to. Someone new has appeared and it has the potential to be amazing. We'll have to see what happens, but I have really truly met a great, smart, funny, charming, faithful, return missionary, chivlarous guy who for some reason thinks that I'm great, too! All I know is that I am the happiest, truly happiest, that I've been in such a long time. I am so excited to go to Nauvoo and have the incredible opportunities it brings!

Family History

While doing my family history homework which seems so pointless to me, I was watching tv. Suddenly, there was a Celtic dance number on. I love it. Celtic music takes me somewhere that other music can't- like back to my roots. My dad and I can listen to it and just cry because the spirit of the music is so strong. I feel my heritage closer and closer to me, enriching me.

My mom hates it. She can take about a minute of it before she makes me change it. I can tell my mother's side is not Irish. So far, only one Irish person has been found on my dad's side. But I know there are more! Somehow, I can't quite explain it, I know that the reason why I'm in the family history major is to find them. Yes, I picked my major at random because I needed a new major and it was 45 credits. But I feel like I was led to it. Doing Nauvoo and becoming aware of our ancestors makes me want to find them even more.

We are who our ancestors were. I really believe that. That Celtic spirit is in me and my dad, but not my mom. I believe that as we get to know where we came from, we'll understand ourselves much more. There can be no future without the past!

Highlands of Heaven

It's Sunday, and we finished our rehearsals for Nauvoo on Friday with a bang!! I've had some incredible stuff happen this week.

One. My cousin, Emily, had never seen the Pageant because she was on her mission both years. And, of course, she was going to be out of town for Friday, so she came on Wednesday to our first dress rehearsal. It was a great run-through, but near the end, one of our actors had to take her son home. Well, she has some critical lines at the end, and this was Emy's first time hearing them! So after I finished my line, and turned to see that she wasn't there, I walked over and started singing and praying that I could remember these lines I had never said. In my broken Scottish accent, I managed to get through it. Now, I didn't want anyone to commend me or say how great it was. It was two lines, after all, and Emy needed to hear them. But I made a comment afterward and David Warner, our director, pointed the action out and everyone started clapping. It was so wierd. I just saw a need and filled it! Oh well. It was fun to have a husband for a 45 second scene.

Two. We can do hard things. We can build things we've never built before to go places we've never gone before. Doing the Sunday Sociable this week was so marvelously refreshing. Completely different from last year, or anything I've seen, and it is so much fun. We performed it at 3:00 on Friday. Music really transcends time and place and situation and brings you completely to the present. That doesn't make a lot of sense, but in my head it does. When you are singing, with or without a partner, that song is what is present and is what matters. Randy and his family came and loved it. Preston, too. It was so fun to be able to use your talents to bring people to Christ. Totally amazing.

Three. I find that when I don't know how to handle something, I shut down. I had a few experiences this week that I've never had to deal with before. When they arose, I completely shut down. When your job in the Pageant is to be completely open, shutting down is detrimental. Opening back up was the hardest thing. I'm working on it.

Four. We met Elder Perry in the hallway. It was awesome. I seriously have the best job in the world. I was experiencing a 'shut down' moment, and he shook my hand and all traces of pain or sadness in my heart and spirit disappeared. It was incredible, and such a blessing!

Five. I had the best district ever! I am learning to much, and they helped me tremendously! I'm not a great leader or speaker, but I'm definately learning. In the beginning stages of rehearsal last week, I taught the women the opening dance. Yes. I taught a dance. It was awesome! I had so much fun doing it. A few days later, the stage manager asked if I would teach the children what they do in the parade. Ok- me, teaching kids. Check. Not experienced in this field at all. I didn't even know what they were supposed to do. But there I was, teaching the kids as I was making it up. One of the sisters commented on how great I was with them! Me? Great with kids? Who would have thought? I figure I'm getting to that age where I should know what to do with them, so I'm getting experiences with them by the truckload. I'm growing so much this year!