Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. Yes. Cliche? I don't think so...because it's true. Tomorrow I start rehearsals for Nauvoo. Long, all-day, awesome rehearsals. When that's over, I go to Nauvoo. When that's over, I get ready for school. When school starts, Young Ambassadors starts. After YAs start, I have no life until May. It's a good thing I'm not dating anyone right now, because I'd never see him. That's a positive! Deep breath.
I'm a bit nervous...well, terrified...to do our Sociable. Right now I'm on the list to do 'Astonishing' from Little Women. I can't do it. I tried last night- my voice is not used to that place. My mom said I'm 90% there, which is also scary. I wish I could do an easy classical song!!! Well, we all give up something. I am excited for rehearsals, though. I'm excited to be doing something! Focusing on one thing and doing my job. And what a job it is! I'm so blessed to be able to work for the Church in the way that I do. I'm not a good speaker...I think a formal mission would kill me...and those around me. Seriously, just bearing my testimony is bad. Maybe I should take a class. Hmm.
Big news: I have a crush on my chiropractor's son. I've no idea why. But it feels good to have that feeling that won't be returned again!! I feel like I'm getting back into the swing of things, and could actually enjoy going on a date. It's been a long time coming, but my faith in guys is slowly being restored by all my awesome friends. Well, it's my cousin's birthday dinner. And my sister is coming in!!! I am so excited to have her for two whole weeks!! My brother-in-law was just here, and it was so much fun! I've never felt like we were friends- he kind of assumed the 'brother I never had' position when he married my sister. But now I feel like we are! I loved having him here. He's awesome!
Off to dinner and airport. Or something. My friend, Paul, came to visit me today and it was so much fun. Hooray for amazing friends!!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Jeff and Jess
I took my friend Jeff's engagement pics, and I decided to show a couple of my favorites.
Pictures...
This is me at 17. Apparently, I haven't liked any other pictures of me in the last 4 years. Well, that's not true, but I'm back at blonde, and I'll try to work on getting a decent blonde photo now.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Wisdom?
So this one time, my best friend asked me for some advice. She's discovered she's a bit non-committal. I don't know where this advice came from, but I need to remember it, too. So, here it is. My advice to my best friend...who is pretty much awesome.
So, I'll 'elp' you out. Apparently I have no passion. I know, I know. But really, ever since Bryan went on his mission, I don't know. When I really open up to someone, (except you) they just disappoint me? Not that I have that high of expectations...I take that back. My expectations are extremely high. "I love her anyway." That's all I want! Well. We are protective of ourselves. We really don't want to get hurt, or for us to hurt someone else. We care too much! I hate hurting people, but in the back of my head, I think, I'm crazy enough that I'm doing this person a favor by not seeing the real me. That way, neither of us gets as hurt as we would have. I know, it's stupid. We are essentially the same person, but you are nicer. So you care more than I do about hurting people. You probably see your flaws as huge boulders that people shouldn't have to climb over. But what you need to find are people who decide that you are worth climbing the mountains and swimming those oceans. And when they prove that to you, then those hills won't seem so big. I don't know what it is! I find the same problem. But I don't think it's so much non-committal as finding the right people to decide are worth it. Really, not everyone is awesome enough to deserve the walls of Jericho to come down. But there are some that are, and when they present themselves, I think the Spirit will let us know it. And I think they will let their guard down and we will, too. Uh, if this had made any sense, then good for you!
I love you, you're awesome. Everything will work out.
So, I'll 'elp' you out. Apparently I have no passion. I know, I know. But really, ever since Bryan went on his mission, I don't know. When I really open up to someone, (except you) they just disappoint me? Not that I have that high of expectations...I take that back. My expectations are extremely high. "I love her anyway." That's all I want! Well. We are protective of ourselves. We really don't want to get hurt, or for us to hurt someone else. We care too much! I hate hurting people, but in the back of my head, I think, I'm crazy enough that I'm doing this person a favor by not seeing the real me. That way, neither of us gets as hurt as we would have. I know, it's stupid. We are essentially the same person, but you are nicer. So you care more than I do about hurting people. You probably see your flaws as huge boulders that people shouldn't have to climb over. But what you need to find are people who decide that you are worth climbing the mountains and swimming those oceans. And when they prove that to you, then those hills won't seem so big. I don't know what it is! I find the same problem. But I don't think it's so much non-committal as finding the right people to decide are worth it. Really, not everyone is awesome enough to deserve the walls of Jericho to come down. But there are some that are, and when they present themselves, I think the Spirit will let us know it. And I think they will let their guard down and we will, too. Uh, if this had made any sense, then good for you!
I love you, you're awesome. Everything will work out.
Boys...yeah.
I just went on my first date in about 4 months. After an extremely bad experience with the last guy I dated (we call him a stalker for a reason), I decided I was done. And it wasn't just him, it was every single guy I've dated since my second boyfriend. They go crazy on me, or play me, or I'm not as serious about them as they are about me, or they're demeaning and light-sucking. Light-sucking is when someone takes your light- happiness, Spirit, general kindness, etc.- away from you. My uncle told me that everyone will be wrong until that one person is right. I guess that it is easier for every one of them to have a flaw big enough to see from space, so I have something to pin it to. I don't know.
My first boyfriend was perfect. I mean, perfect. He is the only boy that I have ever loved. I met him on a blind date. He could always make me laugh. He was my first real kiss. We had a hard time saying goodbye. He'd share his feelings with me. He'd tell me that he loved me. He'd write me notes and leave them on my car at school, or on my door, or sometimes on my porch with flowers. Sometimes he'd throw rocks at my window to get my attention. He always made me happy when I was with him. He wanted to go on a mission, and he did. He thought I was beautiful, and told me so all the time. We could be doing nothing, and I'd be completely satisfied, just as long as we were together. He thought I was perfect for him. He knew my weaknesses and didn't tease me about them. He was never demeaning or rude. If I was sick, he would be perfectly happy to come over and just hold me, or make me laugh to keep my mind off of it. My family loved him. I don't know how his family felt about me. Whenever I was thinking about him, he would call. He was that boy in the movies that no one thinks is real. I couldn't have asked for anyone more amazing.
All of the guys that I dated were great at first. I kept trying to find what I had with Bryan. I couldn't. When he came home from his mission, I wanted to get to know him again. We'd stopped writing a few months in so he could focus on his mission. We'd both changed so much over those two years. I had gotten out of another bad relationship, and a mini-mission of my own in Nauvoo with the Pageant. It wasn't right to jump right back in where we left off. I had a feeling that we couldn't just date. We'd already dated for a year and a half, so if we started again, it would be to decide if we got married or not. So, considering the fact that I am nowhere near even thinking avout being ready for marriage, the thought that Bryan and I may not end up together was not one I wanted to give any heed to. The thought of how we used to be was somehow better than the thought that it just might not be right now. So it didn't happen. And now he's dating someone else. I saw him at the Devotional when President Hinckley spoke, and I hadn't seen him in a while. I randomly ran into him at a random portal and there he was. And there she was. And I turned away after he said goodbye and I couldn't hold back the tears. I sobbed all the way through the Devotional, and I'm sure the people next to me thought I was crazy. I pretty much cried for about three days. I really didn't know what to do. I miss him all the time. I always wondered if I should've told him, but that would be selfish. I couldn't very well tell him that I wanted to date him again but we may or may not have a future together, especially when he was dating someone! No.
So here I am. Trying to get over my small fear of dating, no viable options in sight. But I am really happy. I know that the one for me will come along. And that he'll be totally awesome. I won't settle anymore. And I'll follow the Spirit when it tells me "Run!!!" Ok, that's all for now. I'm watching a really sappy movie on tv.
My first boyfriend was perfect. I mean, perfect. He is the only boy that I have ever loved. I met him on a blind date. He could always make me laugh. He was my first real kiss. We had a hard time saying goodbye. He'd share his feelings with me. He'd tell me that he loved me. He'd write me notes and leave them on my car at school, or on my door, or sometimes on my porch with flowers. Sometimes he'd throw rocks at my window to get my attention. He always made me happy when I was with him. He wanted to go on a mission, and he did. He thought I was beautiful, and told me so all the time. We could be doing nothing, and I'd be completely satisfied, just as long as we were together. He thought I was perfect for him. He knew my weaknesses and didn't tease me about them. He was never demeaning or rude. If I was sick, he would be perfectly happy to come over and just hold me, or make me laugh to keep my mind off of it. My family loved him. I don't know how his family felt about me. Whenever I was thinking about him, he would call. He was that boy in the movies that no one thinks is real. I couldn't have asked for anyone more amazing.
All of the guys that I dated were great at first. I kept trying to find what I had with Bryan. I couldn't. When he came home from his mission, I wanted to get to know him again. We'd stopped writing a few months in so he could focus on his mission. We'd both changed so much over those two years. I had gotten out of another bad relationship, and a mini-mission of my own in Nauvoo with the Pageant. It wasn't right to jump right back in where we left off. I had a feeling that we couldn't just date. We'd already dated for a year and a half, so if we started again, it would be to decide if we got married or not. So, considering the fact that I am nowhere near even thinking avout being ready for marriage, the thought that Bryan and I may not end up together was not one I wanted to give any heed to. The thought of how we used to be was somehow better than the thought that it just might not be right now. So it didn't happen. And now he's dating someone else. I saw him at the Devotional when President Hinckley spoke, and I hadn't seen him in a while. I randomly ran into him at a random portal and there he was. And there she was. And I turned away after he said goodbye and I couldn't hold back the tears. I sobbed all the way through the Devotional, and I'm sure the people next to me thought I was crazy. I pretty much cried for about three days. I really didn't know what to do. I miss him all the time. I always wondered if I should've told him, but that would be selfish. I couldn't very well tell him that I wanted to date him again but we may or may not have a future together, especially when he was dating someone! No.
So here I am. Trying to get over my small fear of dating, no viable options in sight. But I am really happy. I know that the one for me will come along. And that he'll be totally awesome. I won't settle anymore. And I'll follow the Spirit when it tells me "Run!!!" Ok, that's all for now. I'm watching a really sappy movie on tv.
Blogs!!
Wow. I'm writing a blog. I wonder how it all works. Maybe I'll post sample picture or something...or just ramble on. I'm really not a good speaker. I usually can't stop and my thoughts go a million different places. I am a lot better at writing, so this might be just the thing for me.
So I'm trying to finish this incomplete in my History 400 class. I am having a really hard time doing it. I just can't concentrate.
I used to love school. I lived for getting A's. In 8th grade I got really sick, and I prety much dropped out. As a result, I've gotten through school by compromising with teachers and doing the minimal amount of work possible to pass. Consequently, I've become a bit lazy. I hate it. I used to be the girl who did everything perfectly and went the extra mile, and I loved it. I have a thing for making people happy. If I can help someone, I usually do. But I hate doing a run-of-the-mill job. I find myself with a bit of a perfection problem. I either want to be perfect and amazing at something, or fail miserably. To just be 'average' makes my skin crawl a little bit. I'm better than I used to be, but it's definately still a part of me. I had a counselor once challenge me to get a 'C' on a paper. I almost had an anxiety attack. I hate disappointing people, teachers included.
There's no way that I'm going to do an amazing job on these projects, and that's ok. I just want to pass the class. But it's still really hard. Ugh.
So I'm trying to finish this incomplete in my History 400 class. I am having a really hard time doing it. I just can't concentrate.
I used to love school. I lived for getting A's. In 8th grade I got really sick, and I prety much dropped out. As a result, I've gotten through school by compromising with teachers and doing the minimal amount of work possible to pass. Consequently, I've become a bit lazy. I hate it. I used to be the girl who did everything perfectly and went the extra mile, and I loved it. I have a thing for making people happy. If I can help someone, I usually do. But I hate doing a run-of-the-mill job. I find myself with a bit of a perfection problem. I either want to be perfect and amazing at something, or fail miserably. To just be 'average' makes my skin crawl a little bit. I'm better than I used to be, but it's definately still a part of me. I had a counselor once challenge me to get a 'C' on a paper. I almost had an anxiety attack. I hate disappointing people, teachers included.
There's no way that I'm going to do an amazing job on these projects, and that's ok. I just want to pass the class. But it's still really hard. Ugh.
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