I have come to the realization that I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. And I have no idea what I want to do, or rather, don't know if what I want is worth it. I'm beginning to regret my decision of not auditioning for MDT or Acting when I was a freshman. Maybe now, six years later, I'd actually be graduated. Even if I weren't, I'd at least be in a major doing something I love...and the only thing I'm good at. I have a smart husband who has a great paying job. I've never been payed more than minimum wage for a job. I just don't have any real marketable skills that will get me great amounts of money. I'm not too upset about it, except that it's impossible to get jobs these days, because if someone is hiring, they need the specialist.
I sing. I act. I love it. The only time I ever really feel like I'm fulfilling my calling in life is when I'm singing. However, after Tuacahn last year, my enthusiasm has waned. I just can't justify being in a theater environment. I have an extremely sensitive spirit, and unless I'm working for the LDS Church, where I thrive, I...don't thrive. But then I see my friends in shows and movies and I get depressed that I'm not there with them. Literally, I can't live with it, but I can I live without it? Do I want to? I married an actor turned engineer, and I want to be with him as much as I can. My life isn't just about me anymore. We thought we'd go do regional theater together, but now that's not an option. I couldn't leave him for months at a time, doing jobs anywhere and everywhere I could get them. It's a very selfish profession- and I can't really be selfish anymore. And we don't have enough money to fly out to auditions every other week. But I'm just not happy not doing it. Ugh.
2 comments:
Melinda, I can tell you that I have been there. I have had these same thoughts, and still have them from day to day, but I read this book that really made me think a lot and helped me come to my point of peace with where I am at. (Not that there is one right answer) It's called THE COST OF WINNING by Hughes ( I forget his first name) It's at Deseret book and it is a quick read. It will change your life. Love you and good luck
Good Melinda-
Thank you for finding my blog.
I have read your blog and all I have to say is bless you. It is hard to want to do something so bad but you can't without feeling like you are sacrificing something. You can only do the SCERA and Hale for so long before you feel like you were meant for greater things.
I wish I had some advice but I think many a "theatre person" struggles with your question. I hope you find your answer.
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